-Twelve Days of Christmas- -------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- December 14, 1994 Dearest John, I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and affection, Aberdeen -------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- December 15, 1994 Dearest John, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, Two Turtle Doves! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. You big silly, what next? All my love, Aberdeen -------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- December 16,1994 Dear John, Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity--Three French Hens. They are just darling, but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Aberdeen -------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- December 17, 1994 Dear John, Today the postman delivered Four Calling Birds. Now, really, they're beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Aberdeen -------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- December, 18,1994 Dearest John, What a surprise! Today the postman delivered Five Golden Rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all thise birds squawking were begining to get on my nerves. All my love, Aberdeen -------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- December 19, 1994 Dear John, When I opened the door there were actually Six Geese A-Laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining, and I can't sleep through the racket. Please Stop. Cordially, Aberdeen -------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- December 20, 1994 John: What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven Swans-A-Swimming. What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night, and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny , so stop with those fucking birds. Sincerely, Aberdeen -------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- December 21, 1994 Okay Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with Eight Maids-A-Milking? It's not enough with all those birds and maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows. There's shit all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. What are you doing to me? Just lay off me, smart-ass! Aberdeen -------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- December 22, 1973 Hey Shithead: What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there's Nine Pipers Playing. And Christ, do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? They neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours, Aberdeen -------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- December 23, 1994 You Rotton Prick: Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why they call those sluts ladies. They have been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrehea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of Buildings has supoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm going to sic the police on you. One who means it, Venomously, Aberdeen -------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- December 24, 1994 Listen Fuckhead: What's with the Eleven Lords-A-Leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been commiting sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotton, viscious swine. You're sworn enemy, Aberdeen -------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- Law Offices Badger, Bander, and Cajole December 26, 1994 Dear Sir, This is to acknowledge your latest gift of Twelve Fiddler's Fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Aberdeen McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondance should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at the Happy Dale Sanatarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrent for your arrest. Cordially, Badger, Bender, and Cajole